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| I'm giving myself a Xanax deadline because otherwise I'll be up all night.
And I am through ruining my life over this.
What we've got here is 2 alternate versions of reality.
In one, Kintu has been my closest friend for the better part of 2 years, with whom things got weird a while ago, for reasons which apparently haven't quite died.
In the other, Kintu has been taking advantage of me the whole time I thought we were close. He moved in when I was a post-Jared wreck and had no real friends left and needed someone to hang out with and spill my overflowing vulnerabilities to. I needed the attention. I needed. He was there. He was there ALL THE TIME--Lilly and my roommates started making comments, which I dismissed (oh, I could totally tell, but it was flattering, and all...). Then that last night, my ill-chosen world, my 3B, turned their cliquish backs on me and literally slammed their door in my face. Social-acceptance-obsessed Heidi went off the deep end; by way of "comfort," Kintu made move #1. I had enough of a head left on my shoulders at that point to reject it. We left for the summer without saying a word about it, and over the summer I came down with a convenient case of amnesia; after all, he was going to be living across the hall from me and we didn't want things to be awkward, now, did we... Before I could really figure out where things were when we got back to school, it became a non-issue; I met Kevin on the 2nd day of school and was hooking up with him by the 1st weekend. Kintu and I were just mutual members of the draw group, and it was all gravy. Then, there were Kevin problems. Kintu's anti-Kevin opinions, always hovering in the background, started becoming more strident. Then, after a lot of obvious displays of how much the prospect upset me (e.g. breaking down in the Caltrain station), I became a post-Kevin wreck. Where else do I turn but to my "best friend?" Who promptly made move #2 at a frat party after a distressing night of Kevin-dodging at a Phi Psi progressive. I fled that one too and laid low for a couple of days...but Jen advised it might be best to just let it slide, and he hardly seemed to be chomping at the bit to bring it up, so I deployed my powers of selective amnesia again. After about a month of having the entire universe alert me to how all over me he was (as if I hadn't noticed) coinciding with one of the worst months of my life to that point, we got drunk on the last night before spring break, and ended up alone in my room together, and I decided (insofar as I "decide" anything when in that state of mind) I was done with all the invisible pressure
*** (momentary life break) ***
and let the making out happen. Then...I've already been over where that ended up. He refused to take any responsibility or understand why it fucked me up so hard, but I decided that was his own issue, a part of the way he was. Being his friend meant swallowing that he had the empathy and self-awareness of your average rock. I was originally heading into this year with the idea of keeping my distance...then this year actually started happening to me. I've spent the quarter dying for any place I could go to not feel alone, overall best interest be damned. So temptingly easy to just fall back into my safety net. And anyway, he'd said he'd be there for me...
Riiight. Admitted major dumbass move on my part not keeping track of my own drink count; was it a genuine mistake on his to keep encouraging me to drink, including literally putting that last shot in my hand? Was it just another show of rock-esque empathy in telling me that John from SPOM thought I was "cute as hell but he didn't want to take advantage...next time if you want anything to happen you should keep your mouth shut?" Because as the entire human race should be able to figure out--as I have given him, in particular, 2 solid years of proof regarding--the one thing that kills me like none other is rejection, especially due to something I could have done differently. Rejected, heightened-insecurity Heidi and drunk Heidi both tend to act in erratic, desperate, extremely foolish ways...their powers combined is the stuff of infamy. (Here's looking at you, FMOTQ and winter quarter Bar Night.) Were certain Synergy dancefloor indiscretions truly out of nowhere, born of drunkenness and the situation? Even taking him at his word on all of this and not suspecting that the entire night was a setup to get me hurting and wasted, the fact is that the result of hanging around him was that I was hurting and wasted. And also most of the way toward replaying the spring quarter debacle. Consciously or not, he hangs around at the edge of my hot mess of a life, contributing to the mess, then moves in so he can get some. THAT IS NOT A BEST FRIEND.
One *might* be able to tell which reality I'm currently inhabiting.
But I've been living in #1 for such a long time...
STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID
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| "It is better to be a stepchild than an orphan."
I believe I have identified my modus operandi for the quarter. But is it actually true?
***
Halloween...
Such an easy and inviting target for all my "superawesometastic 717 draw group boyfriend new friends parties wheeeeeeeeeee" Fall '08 nostalgia to attach itself to.
And so it has.
I'm having a very hard time facing the disillusioned alonefest Fall '09 has turned out to be, in the face of it.
(And the most depressing part is that it only gets worse from here on out. Next year I'm a senior. Next year things start...ENDING.)
I had an OK costume idea...but it was no Carmen Sandiego, so for one reason or another I "never got around" to ordering the components. Now I'm back to squat for ideas, no materials for last-min costume assemblage or car to get myself around to obtain them. Plans? Well, I can probably get myself drunk on the periphery of one group or another, and then there's Mausoleum Party, which will be crawling with freshmen, or Synergy, which will be crawling with last year's memories. After that comes the part of the night where I wander alone back to FloMo, feeling dissatisfied.
My days of being Anne's personal pet project are most likely over (not that I ever deserved them). I don't ask the right questions. I don't have the right kind of curiosity/critical thinking necessary to be an honors student. I'm so much the stepchild TA it's ridiculous. Like seriously, just have Ron take over both classes and be done with it. Then I'll be free to drift off aimlessly into mediocrity.
Where did my vision for the future go? Where did my sense of belonging go?
Where did my LIFE go? What is THIS shit?
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| So Kip has Capri pictures up...
And I would SO rather go to Italy...
But that ship has sailed, since I'm not in Italian right now. And it's totally useless to me anyway.
But so pretty...
***
BTdubs, congratu-fucking-lations on smacking into another car while attempting to park WHILE KINTU WAS RIGHT THERE. Goodbye chances of ever borrowing it again. You're done. AND you're in Kintu and Kyle's bad graces.
X(
FAILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
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| THIS is why you can't just tell me to "relax" and then poof, it's all better:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/04/magazine/04anxiety-t.html?pagewanted=1&em
In particular:
The interviewer asks Baby 19 what she worries about. “I don’t know,” Baby 19 says after a long pause, twirling her hair faster, touching her face, her knee. She smiles a little, shrugs. Another pause. And then the list of troubles spills out: “When I don’t quite know what to do and it’s really frustrating and I feel really uncomfortable, especially if other people around me know what they’re doing. I’m always thinking, Should I go here? Should I go there? Am I in someone’s way? ... I worry about things like getting projects done... I think, Will I get it done? How am I going to do it? ... If I’m going to be in a big crowd, it makes me nervous about what I’m going to do and say and what other people are going to do and say.” Baby 19 is wringing her hands now. “How I’m going to deal with the world when I’m grown. Or if I’m going to sort of do anything that really means anything.” Her voice trails off. She wants to make a difference, she says, and worries about whether she will. “I can’t stop thinking about that.”
So HA. I'm not a failure at reforming myself, I'm wired this way.
(Oh fuck I'm fucking stuck like this for the rest of my life...)
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| PWR's FIIIIINALLY over!
I underperformed my speech--big, fat, heinous gaps of nothing while I scanned my notecards looking for a single word I should have just been able to fudge--but given that I have no earthly idea how to train away something inherent in my personality, it's not like I could do much better, except with notecards that didn't stick together. And my prof liked my ideas, at least. I'll most likely end up as an A- PWR 2 student. After being a flat B PWR 1 student, I'll definitely take it. It's a significant improvement, and public speaking SO ain't my thang...without months of SERIOUS work in developing my atrophied stub of extemporaneous speaking ability, I probably don't truly deserve that unadulterated A.
Intermediate Lindy is going to be one of those things-that-causes-me-way-more-stress-than-it-should. I *technically* know enough lindy to be good to go, but getting it out of my brain and translating it into moves I can smoothly transition into based on a shift in arm position is not happening so much. Then I get flustered because of how awkward I'm making the other person's dancing experience when I can't follow leads, and then I lose focus completely and stumble around until my partner starts us over. I would be WAY better if I could just calm the fuck down.
Hmm, now where have we heard THAT one before...?
X(((((((((((((
Story of my fucking life.
I got really upset on Friday when I attempted to invite myself to 717 dinner, although (unbeknownst to me) Mike already had 3 guests and I don't know anyone else in the house well enough to not obviously be using them to get at some Kathleen goodness, so I was strongly discouraged via Kintu. Thanks guys, like I'm not dealing with enough of a "people don't want me around" complex already...way to put the smackdown on one of the few times I'd screwed up the courage to make an attempt to put myself out there. BUT THEN I ran into hallmates (Lynn and Jen) who were going on an In N Out run, and they invited me along. And then they wanted to get started prepartying at all of 7:30. So I *finally* met some people on my hall (and the rest of Loro) and had good food and bonding time, nyah.
Emily's party was fun, although Emily herself was not particularly around. Phi Psi was...not so fun; Mike and Jenni left Connie and I to our own devices almost immediately. Also, hella crowded?!...PHI PSI?!?!? Apparently freshmen haven't gotten the memo yet (seriously, a couple of the Loro girls were obsessing for significant amounts of time about what they should wear. To a frat party. At Phi Psi.) But we ran into Kyle and Roxy on the way there, and after we ditched Phi Psi we wandered over to Durand and Kintu and Jen were there, and it was all this big happy drunken mash of people I knew. I LOVE it when things mesh and I get to make a grand tour of the friend group all in 1 night.
But goddamn, what is with me and nerdy boys named Daniel???? I mean, this one was a Dan, but yeesh. I'm pretty much starting a mini-collection within the peanut gallery.
The name is irrelevant. The problem is the "nerdy." I am still jumping at the first chance I sense instead of swinging for the fences. Jack, for example, is swinging for the fences.
...talking to boys like Jack scares me out of my MIND, while boys like Dan are nice and safe and not expected to judge (or not cared about if they do judge)...
There my stupid self goes again, being too timid and uptight and sabotaging my own better interests. I KNOW it; Why can't I STOP it? ><
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